I’m so angry

Did you know that I love you, yet you make me want to smash things? Did you know that I feel like I hate you sometimes? I talked to you the other day – for the first time in nearly 5 years – to tell you that I was sorry to hear your brother was eaten up with cancer. I AM sorry. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like that – you, your brother, his fiancee, no one. But when, after a few minutes on the phone, you asked me if I was coming to see you, I nearly fainted. NO, I’m not coming to see you. You were slurring your words while we talked. Maybe I woke you. Maybe you had a migraine and you took something for it. But you also like pills, so who knows. I almost laughed when you asked me that. When I asked you if you were still drinking and you said, “Just beer. Only beer now…I stay away from liquor.” It’s a yes or no question…not a “tell me what you switched to because you think that’s a lesser evil” question. You haven’t drank liquor in years. It was whatever when I was younger, then wine (for as long as I’ve known you) and now apparently beer. Good for you. Glad you’re “working on it” and downgrading your buzzes. WHATEVER. You have NO IDEA how angry I am that you chose (AND STILL CHOOSE) alcohol over your family…over your DAUGHTERS! When I wrote you so many years ago I told you that as long as you were drinking that I would need to be out of the picture and I wished you well. When my sister told me yesterday your brother had cancer, I felt for you (and him) and wanted to extend an olive branch. I should have known better. You still drink. You KNOW you cannot drink and carry on normal relationships. It’s been proven time and again. I don’t have the guts (yet) to tell you how angry I am at you or to tell you how sad I am that my mother chose that life over a relationship with her daughter. Maybe I’ll send this to you in a letter. Maybe then you will get the idea. Oh wait, I already did that. Never mind. I am so thankful for friends and family that DO get it and that DO want a relationship with me over other vices. I have friends who are and have been alcoholics. They know firsthand what it’s like and they chose LIFE and their loved ones. I wish you did too. But to each their own. I’m done making excuses for you and I’m done being nice. It’s been four years and you STILL choose it. Enjoy it – I hope it makes you proud. I would have if you had chosen me. I make myself proud. I turned out great DESPITE our relationship and how it has and continues to affect me. Carry on. I’m going to be alright because I am surrounded by love, grace, humility, and forgiveness. But don’t ever forget….I’m still angry and you could have prevented or changed that.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: