I’m normally a pretty level person emotionally on a day-to-day basis (I think and hope). I try to be upbeat and smiling. Lately, not so much. Things have been happening in my personal life to irk me to no end. And they just keep coming…nit…pick…nit…pick…a little here, a little there. They are mostly trivial and mundane, but they just keep happening and adding up.
There are some aspects of my life that are still as great and wonderful as ever – work is steady, challenging and rewarding. I work with the best group of people. But inside, something is not quite right.
I always miss my friends and family back home. Always. I miss them more at times like this..when I’m struggling internally with finances, boy problems or who I am. I miss my “security blanket” that is my Alabama girls. (that was so grammatically incorrect on so many levels, I’m sure)
I don’t understand guys. That much is known. I wish I did. I’ve had enough experience…you’d think I would know a thing or two. But I don’t. Or either I’m just not meant to be with someone for the rest of my life. I’m sure I am – I’m an eternal romantic and an optimist. I think everyone has and deserves someone (if they want it). I do. I want it. Why can’t I get it right? Or am I just thinking too much again and need to leave things be? I don’t know…this time it seems the “unsettled” feeling is sticking. Unfortunately.
I’m sure I’m just in a funk right now and all will be well if quit picking at the scab. This should be a very happy day and weekend for me. I’m throwing a party for a friend and we’re celebrating basically all weekend. But I’m having a hard time getting and being happy when I’m so sad on the inside. It hurts my heart. The blatant disregard for my feelings. I probably deserve it – I haven’t been a peach to be with lately. But, I try to live by the motto that I give what I get. Maybe it’s deeper than that. But I feel justified. And sad. And lonely.
First Person (shortest song in history – 40 seconds)
by Jenny Owen Youngs
What’s the worst thing
That could happen
We find out that we really don’t quite fit
But on the flip side
We could be just right
And sure, there’s the chance that we’ll both end up
Broken and split
But that’s my kind of risk
I’m not trying to make you think this is some kind of great big deal
I just know exactly how you feel
(looking at my last past from 4 days ago…my, that was a fast crash on my part)