Why Adele Could Be My Mother

Adele

Adele

It seems the world is all abuzz with the new song from Adele and her upcoming album. I heard “Hello” yesterday for the first time. The timing of the song couldn’t have been worse for me (or better, depending on how you look at it). I’m not shy about my private life and pretty transparent. I recently alluded to some “mother issues” that I’m starting to tackle with my new therapist and this song was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

A little background: My mother and I have always has a strained relationship, mostly due to her alcoholism. It was a bitter pill to swallow growing up, always coming in 2nd, 3rd, or not at all, and I finally got some reprieve when she sent me to live with my dad when I was seven years old. But I still saw her every year during summer and the disease always reared its ugly head in some way during my visit, usually multiple times. A few years ago I couldn’t take the mental abuse anymore and the toll it was taking on my life here in Alabama – even from Wisconsin – and had to end my relationship with her. I sent her a letter wishing her love and the care that she needed and a good life, but that I could no longer be a part of it as long as she was drinking. World’s Worst Daughter, step right up! The few friends I spoke to about it tried to reassure me that self-care is important too, as well as my sanity, but I still felt like crap.

Fast forward a few years to now: Therapist wants to start talking about her. Crap, fine. Whatever. I don’t want to, but you know what’s best. A week ago Friday…”talk to her, Sherri. What do you want to say to your mom?” That was followed by a pretty short tirade from me about abandonment, alcoholism, my sister (who had to live with her and deserved so much more), harsh memories and examples, wishing her well and that was it. The therapist was wonderfully empathetic after and understanding that I gave what I had and was indifferent now. Or so I thought.

The following day my sister messaged me that mom wanted my mailing address. What? Who? NOW? What are the odds? WHY DOES SHE WANT THAT? I DON’T WANT TO OPEN PANDORA’S BOX AGAIN. Four days later I received a note from my mother, who hasn’t spoken to me in years (I did try once), with one word on it: “Truce?”

What is she trying to do to me? We’re done with that. We aren’t fighting, so why do we need to call a truce? That letter threw me into a mental whirlwind and I didn’t know how (or how I WANTED) to process it. Therapy appointment made? Check! That was Thursday. Friday I heard “Hello” for the first time. At my desk. At work. BIG mistake. That song, while I’m sure about a romantic relationship, hit me like nothing I’ve ever heard before and sent me into an emotional tailspin. Every feeling about my mother that’s been welling up in the past week, and likely the past 3 years, came rushing to the surface as I heard Adele ask to meet, realizing they are running out of time, and talking about how sorry she was for breaking their heart. I sobbed in the bathroom at work, clutching my mom’s letter, and trying to make sense of what was going on in my head and heart. After a few minutes I composed myself and got back to work. But that song has haunted me ever since.

Those words could have written for me. By my mother. More importantly, to me, those words should have been written to me. By my mother. Did I just want acknowledgement and a heart felt apology? Is that what I have been longing for after all these years? I’m not sure, time will tell. In the mean time, here are the lyrics. I am hoping one day I might hear them from my mother.

“Hello”

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years
You’d like to meet, to go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you
I’m sorry, for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?
It’s so typical of me to talk about myself
I’m sorry, I hope that you’re well
Did you ever make it out of that town
Where nothing ever happened?

It’s no secret
That the both of us are running out of time

So, hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you
I’m sorry, for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you
I’m sorry, for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried to tell you
I’m sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

You may also like...

6 Responses

  1. Lauree says:

    I love you all the time

  2. Javacia says:

    Thank you for always being so transparent. I truly believe your words will help others heal as well as help your own healing process. This was so open and honest and just an overall fantastic post. I love you!

    • yougotrossed says:

      Thank you! Those words mean so much coming from you, my mentor and hero. I do hope it helps someone at some point – if nothing else, they will see that I’m not always “up,” contrary to popular belief, and it’s ok to be HUMAN. 🙂

  3. bethbryan says:

    You always amazing me, Sherri. Your blog posts are so powerful and open and honest. I agree with Javacia. There is no telling how many people this post might help. Sending strength and love.

    • yougotrossed says:

      Thank you. I have a hard time not making things on my blog about me all the time, so it really helps to have both of you point out it might help someone else someday. I would love that! 🙂 I will gladly accept your strength and love and send some right back! You’re a beautiful mother and person.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: